


First Responder Says

by ALilyPea (alilypea)



Series: First Responder Says [1]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Podcast, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28754727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alilypea/pseuds/ALilyPea
Summary: Michelle urges Carlos to listen to a podcast run by a first responder from New York and he soon finds himself enamoured with the voice in his headphones, and the person sliding into his DMs.
Relationships: Alex (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: First Responder Says [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2191428
Comments: 320
Kudos: 349





	1. Microwaves

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone again for being so supportive and welcoming. I still can’t get over how nice everyone is.
> 
> I can’t recall the last time I felt this much joy in writing something, and this fandom has given me back a piece of myself that’s been missing for a while.
> 
> As always Kudos and comments are more than welcome.
> 
> If you wish to follow me on Tumblr I’m under the same name there.

“What are you chuckling at?” Carlos asked Michelle as he sat next to her on the ambulance’s bumper, the two of them watching station 57 battle a blaze at a warehouse.

Michelle shook her head. “I was just thinking about this podcast I was listening to earlier; Tim introduced me to it. It’s a first responder in New York City; he talks about all the things people do to get themselves into dangerous or ridiculous situations. He’s so wry and funny, but also sweet. You should listen to it.”

“I’m not really a podcast guy,” Carlos shook his head.

“C’mon, live a little, be entertained; our jobs can’t be all doom and gloom,” Michelle told him as she nudged him with her shoulder.

“I guess, send me the details?” Carlos asked her as his partner beckoned him over. “I promise to try and check it out later.”

_____________

Carlos didn’t think of it for hours until he was sitting on his couch, sipping his beer, when his phone dinged. He picked it up and unlocked it, sighing when he saw Michelle had linked him to a Twitter account.

He didn’t really like social media, but he opened it anyway, smiling a little when he saw the tweet.

(Photo of tweet by @1stResponderSays "My new podcast is out, titled "Microwaves." Let me know what you think! And as always if you don't know if it belongs in the microwave don't put it in there. Link in my bio." 4:17 PM Aug 14, 2019. 160 Retweets 209 Likes)

Though he wasn’t a firefighter, he had attended one too many fires that seemed to involve microwave related incidents, called there for crowd control and the possibility of someone doing it on purpose. On the one hand, someone had done it on purpose, hoping to attract hot firefighters. It hadn’t exactly worked, of course.

It had ended in arrest, and the girl had thought he was hot. But females who are willing to start fires to peekaboo at firefighters were not his type.

He finished his beer and set the bottle down, fishing for his headphones in the side table; he plugged them in then stretched out on the couch, clicking the link from the Twitter bio he figured he might as well listen to one episode.

_“Hello, my emergency free friends, and welcome to another episode of First Responder Says with Kennedy. This week’s episode is about Microwaves and all of the calls I’ve had in my short career that involved them. I’ll try to be entertaining, but I had a long shift, 24 hours in fact, and two calls that involved microwaves._

_So this is your public service announcement courtesy of me. If you’re not sure if something should be put in the microwave, don’t put it in the microwave._

_For example, when a recipe says that you should heat butter up in the microwave, make sure that you remove the foil wrapper first. After all, electric fields in the microwave cause currents of electricity to flow through metal and when it comes to foil, it can be quickly overwhelmed by those currents causing it to catch fire._

_So when you put butter in foil in the microwave, yes, the butter will melt, but the foil will also catch fire. So will your microwave. The counter, the paper towel hanging from the underside of the cupboard, your dishwasher, and the dildos you didn’t want your spouse to know about that were drying inside of it. And let’s be real, good sex toys cost money, so you’ve got quite a few losses there, including the loss of using said toys for fun times with a consensual, enthusiastic partner.”_

Carlos couldn’t help but laugh imagining such a scenario as that and closed his eyes as he continued to listen, finding something about Kennedy’s voice to be incredibly soothing.

_“I should say for any new listeners that this is not a once in a while occurrence. It happens a lot. The microwave fires, I mean, though I have seen my share of sex toys on calls, too; that’s for another episode._

_Like butter, aluminum foil does not belong in microwaves; forks don’t belong in microwaves; please stop putting camping mugs in the microwave because they most likely also contain metal._

_And thermoses! The whole point of owning one and putting a lid on it is so that everything will stay either hot or cold. Do not put a thermos in the microwave, though it will cause some crazy light shows before your microwave bursts into flames and is forever desecrated._

_The second call of the day was someone who decided that instead of sticking their phone in a bag of rice after dropping it in their toilet, yes, you heard me right, they would put it in a bag of rice and into the microwave. Again, spectacular light show, but now you’ve ruined your phone, a once good bowl of rice, the bowl the rice was in and yes, your microwave._

_Phones belong in pockets, purses, or hands. Not microwaves. And not really in bathrooms either, in my opinion._

_Now for the questions part of the show._

_Firestarter1990 asks, why do you not have a picture of yourself on your Twitter or podcast page?_

_Well, Firestarter, which I hope you don’t do, the reason for that is plausible deniability, for both myself and my Captain._

_He knows I have this podcast, my boyfriend knows I have this podcast, but my department does not know who runs this podcast. If they did, they might have to do something about it, mostly since I just spent a bit of time talking about sex toys. So far, so good; I love doing this and educating you all on fire safety, which I think is why I’ve gotten away with this for so long, but when it comes to it either being my job or this. I will choose my job every single time._

_It is why I will also never name names or talk about where these events occurred. Everyone needs to keep safe, even me._

_Question number 2 comes from CapAmerica22, and they have asked if someone has ever started a fire just to see a firefighter in action?_

_Oh, god, people do. I don’t know why, but they do. It’s happened more times than I would like to admit, but you know, firefighters are people too, and when you do that, you’re just putting them in jeopardy when they shouldn’t be. It’s also illegal and counts as arson._

_If you want to see a firefighter, buy a calendar, go to your firehouse during open houses, or when they’re doing some of their volunteer work. We visit schools, community centres, we can be found without burning buildings being in the way. We’re also more likely to talk to you then as well._

_I remember a teenage girl who deliberately treed her cat to meet us, it was the only call where I’ve had to rescue a cat from a tree, and it was more because we also had to save her from the tree. She felt terrible about it and climbed up to get the cat, so both of them were stuck. Do not create emergencies for yourself._

_Sorry, I got a bit preachy there, but the reason I got into this job is that I like helping people, and I hate seeing them get hurt. Some might say I’m too soft, but I think it’s what makes me good at what I do._

_Unfortunately, this will be a short one today because I am exhausted, but this was my way of sending you all signs of life and a bit of education today._

_I hope you all have fun, stay safe and have a great day. I am Kennedy, I’ll speak to you all next week.”_

Carlos stopped the podcast and sat there for a moment in the quiet of his apartment. He didn’t know why but he suddenly felt so relaxed; something about listening to another first responder talk about their job with irreverence and humour while still maintaining their position's integrity made him feel less alone. The fact that Kennedy was male and apparently not straight also helped for reasons he didn’t really feel like delving into yet.

He brought his phone up and thumbed the Twitter app that he never used, surprised when it logged him in automatically. He found Kennedy’s bio quickly and followed him, looking through some of the tweets he nibbled on his bottom lip. He found himself clicking the Tweet button and writing before he could even stop himself. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d used this app if he ever had. Michelle and her sister had set it up for him when Twitter had first become popular, but no one else he knew really used it. It was good, though, because it meant that no one would really see him use it.

(Photo of Tweet by Lost Reys, "@1stResponderSays thank you for an informative podcast that was also surprisingly sex positive. I enjoyed it." 12:01 AM Aug 15, 2019.) 

He sent the Tweet then hauled himself off the couch to head to his bedroom; he was exhausted. But at least he might sleep well tonight, knowing other people loved their jobs but were frustrated by them.

And if he plugged in his phone and then set all of the podcasts to download, well, no one needed to know that except for him.


	2. Sex Toys and Direct Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos gets a surprise in his DM's and has one of the best conversations he can remember having.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the feedback on this has been surprising and oh so welcome. Thank you for reading, commenting and giving me kudos. 
> 
> From, "Shifting downward on the couch, he put his feet up and settled in for what he hoped would be a lengthy conversation." The Twitter convo is a picture; if you need a more accessible way to read the convo, proceed to the next chapter, which is a transcription of their chat.
> 
> Also, reading about out there 9-1-1 calls from first responders is an interesting and somewhat horrifying way to spend your free time...

“So, did you listen?” Michelle asked him right before she bit into the taco she’d ordered. Her eyes remained on his face, and it was a little disconcerting, how amused she looked. She knew he had. 

“He was funny,” Carlos replied with a sigh, rolling his eyes. “You were right. It’s nice to hear someone whose view of the world we work in is not all doom and gloom.” 

“I told you so,” Michelle wiped her mouth. “Plus, I saw that you tweeted him to compliment him on the episode. You forget, I’m one of your five followers.”

“I am never going to live this down,” Carlos took a bite of his food, not looking at her. “It was entertaining, and the bit about sex toys made me laugh out loud.” 

“Wait till you see next week’s topic; apparently, it’s the weirdest calls he’d seen. I wish we could submit stories,” Michelle replied. 

“It’s too bad he only posts an episode a week, but I get it; we’re all busy.”

“He sounds hot, doesn’t he?” Michelle asked, grinning at him.

“Hot, and attached. He mentioned a boyfriend remember and lives in New York,” Carlos pointed out. 

“Maybe you should get out there,” Michelle told him. “Not New York, but it’s been a while.” 

“I don’t need the reminder, Mich; I know how long it’s been. Maybe someday my Prince will come, but that is not today,” Carlos replied as his radio started blaring noise. “Duty calls,” he pretended to tip a hat her way, closed his lunch container and got up laughing as she glared playfully at him as he walked off. 

\-------

Carlos pulled into the station lot, parking his cruiser; he fished out his phone and stared at it, almost in shock.

Kennedy had replied to him. He couldn’t believe it, wasn’t sure what he should say back, but it appeared he was online still if the tweets going back and forth on his account said anything at all. 

It was just a thank you, but for some strange reason, it meant something. 

**DM from FirstResponderSays** , “Thank you for listening. Some people didn't like the sex toy talk, glad you thought it seemed sex-positive!”

As he was thinking about replying, another message popped up, and he barked out a laugh, amused. 

**DM from FirstResponderSays** , “Thinking of doing an episode all about things people shouldn't use as sex toys, what do you think?”

He shook his head, chuckling to himself, he got out of the car and locked it. He didn’t look at his phone until he was on his couch, freshly showered. 

**DM reply to FirstResponderSays** , “Sorry for the delayed reply. I loved the podcast; first responder’s lives can be so...lonely. My best friend is a paramedic, so I’ve heard a lot of stories about those. The podcast might need a warning, but if people get offended, well, that’s their business. It also might mean they’re doing something they shouldn’t be...with things they shouldn’t be.”

He bit his bottom lip and sipped his water as he waited; New York City was what, an hour behind them? He wondered if Kennedy was on shift or awake. He knew when he worked the night shift, he slept odd hours and was sure firefighters had the same issue.

He didn’t need to wait long as the reply rolled back in, causing him to smile. Carlos tried to be polite when he could; otherwise, his mama and Tia’s would find him somehow and give him shit. Superpowers, he’d sworn since he was a kid. 

**DM from FirstResponderSays** , “So polite! I think I will do it, not next week tho. That's for weird calls. Are you a 1st responder then?” 

His thumbs tapped out a reply as quick as he could, and he chuckled to himself. He liked this, joking with someone who didn’t know him, who didn’t expect anything of him. 

Shifting downward on the couch, he put his feet up and settled in for what he hoped would be a lengthy conversation. 

**[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50839018703/in/dateposted-public/) **

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50839767626/in/dateposted-public/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50839799626/in/dateposted-public/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50839804631/in/dateposted-public/)

Carlos set his phone down and laughed to himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to someone about how strange his job would be. Kennedy seemed to get it, that there could be fun in the dark.

He was getting maudlin. Maybe Michelle’s comments about his dating life were valid if the best conversation he’d had in a while was in his Twitter DM’s. 

He sighed and stood up slowly; it was time to make dinner. He felt like he’d eaten the tacos from the food truck days ago rather than hours. As he pulled out some pasta, he wondered what it would be like to have someone to cook for, someone to wrap up in his arms and confess how unsure he was about his job some days.


	3. Transcript: Ch 2 Sex Toys and Direct Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An accessible transcript of the Twitter DMs from Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an accessible transcript of the Twitter DMS from chapter 2. Please let me know if you have any troubles, I tested it myself using the software I use and it was able to read to me but not all accessible tools are created equal.

Carlos to Kennedy: Austin PD at your service. Let me know if you need any stories of weird calls.

Kennedy to Carlos: Hot and dry. You can't dangle that in front of me and not tell me.

Carlos to Kennedy: That's Austin. Got a call once, guy told the operator he'd run into a "big fucking chicken" so she thought he was driving drunk.

Kennedy to Carlos: What? Like Big Bird?

Carlos to Kennedy: Big Bird is a canary. Turns out an emu had escaped from a rich guy's farm, the driver wasn't drunk at all.

Kennedy to Carlos: OMG Wtf. That's hilarious. Also, how do u know what kinda bird big bird is?

Carlos to Kennedy: The emu could've gotten hurt! It didn't, dented the hell out of the car though. It was pissed too. I have lots of nieces and nephews.

Kennedy to Carlos: Like how many? I'm an only child.

Carlos to Kennedy: Baseball team worth.

Kennedy to Carlos: What's the weirdest thing one of the kids has done? Maybe I'll add it to the podcast. With their uncle's permission of course.

Carlos to Kennedy: Oh that's an easy one. Marianna called 911 because Diego went down the drain and was dying.

Kennedy to Carlos: How is drowning funny?! How does a kid fit down the drain?

Carlos to Kennedy: Diego was a lizard. He lived.

Kennedy to Carlos: Oh god, u r evil! Don't do that!

Carlos to Kennedy: Couldn't help myself everyone else knows my stories

Kennedy to Carlos: Any time u need someone to listen to your stories shoot me a DM

Kennedy to Carlos: Even if u r evil

Carlos to Kennedy: Tell me one of yours

Kennedy to Carlos: Get this call and my Cap is chuckling when we're in the truck, the whole way there, won't tell us why.

Carlos to Kennedy: Uh oh

Kennedy to Carlos: Uh oh's right. Guy decided to use something as a sex toy that wasn't.

Carlos to Kennedy: Vacuum?

Kennedy to Carlos: How'd u know?! Is this one of ur evil powers?

Carlos to Kennedy: Yep, actually one of my first calls as an officer

Kennedy to Carlos: Hilarious! I gotta go though :( Chat another time?

Carlos to Kennedy: Sure anytime

Kennedy to Carlos: Great! Nice meeting you Reys!

Carlos set his phone down and laughed to himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to someone about how strange his job would be. Kennedy seemed to get it, that there could be fun in the dark.

He was getting maudlin. Maybe Michelle’s comments about his dating life were valid if the best conversation he’d had in a while was in his Twitter DM’s. 

He sighed and stood up slowly; it was time to make dinner. He felt like he’d eaten the tacos from the food truck days ago rather than hours. As he pulled out some pasta, he wondered what it would be like to have someone to cook for, someone to wrap up in his arms and confess how unsure he was about his job some days.


	4. The Truck Crash That Wasn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kennedy releases a new episode of his podcast, and Carlos realizes he's been feeling a little lonely and perhaps feeling a little too much for someone he doesn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support, kudos, comments etc.
> 
> Thank you to all of you who sent me a mutual follow on Tumblr, you're awesome too.
> 
> And for [moviegeek03](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moviegeek03/pseuds/moviegeek03) who let me bounce some ideas off her today, and nicely chat her metaphorical ear off. 
> 
> At the risk of sounding like a knob, this chapter means a lot to me, because some of us grew up not knowing how to be who we are, and scared of it. I wish someone had told me then that it was okay, and in the future, we would have representation like Tarlos and others on the screen who were treated with dignity and respect and support.
> 
> I hope we come to a place where everyone can get that in our lives.
> 
> There is talk of intolerance and toxic masculinity in this chapter, and fear of not being accepted.

Carlos knew he was being ridiculous. He’d spent the last week exchanging sporadic tweets with Kennedy, neither of their shifts, or the time zone differences seeming to line up quite the same as they had that one day. It couldn’t be anything, but if nothing else, he’d found someone who could be a friend.

Someone who might understand how hard the job could get, who knew the job could be more challenging if you weren’t straight. 

His phone buzzed as he sat outside on the back patio relaxing, a rare Saturday off and cooler than usual weather allowing him to bathe in the sunlight. He unlocked it and stared at the tweet for a moment before he immediately clicked on the link in Kennedy’s bio for the podcast and pressed play.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50846179038/in/dateposted-public/) Image of a tweet which states, "Alright, folx! It's time for another episode. This is part two of my "most interesting calls" series and its titled, "The Truck Crash That Wasn't." by 1stRespondrSays

_“Hey there, my emergency free friends._

_Posting this one a little early, I’ve actually got a day off, so A is going to take me out for dinner, which is rare. Not his fault, he works 9-5, and I work whenever I’m told to, so this should be nice._

_I wanna thank everyone who enjoyed last week’s episode, it was a fun one, and several first responders shared it, which is even better because it means we can get the word out there. So keep sharing, and maybe read the instructions on your microwave._

_Some of you have already sent me tweets and DMs before listening how there could be a truck crash that isn’t a truck crash, so listen up._

_Some of the worst calls that we get involve kids, not that they aren’t all terrible, but these are the ones that keep me up at night.”_

Carlos found himself nodding. He could remember every call that involved a kid, too, good and bad. They always reminded him of his nieces and nephews, and he loved kids too much. They were honest in a way he appreciated. 

_“Now, I’ll never tell you a sad story about a kid, so don’t worry about that. Those are a little too emotional for me to share with anyone who isn’t close to me._

_So anyway, we got a call one day that there had been a pedestrian slash motor vehicle injury where it was reported that a three-year-old had been hit by a truck and had obtained a head injury. Everyone felt the dread of that call, but when we got there...well...she’d been hit by a truck—a firetruck, in fact._

_One her six-year-old brother had thrown at her and hit her in the face. She did have a head wound, but her grandmother was too panicked to explain that the truck she had been hit by wasn’t a real one._

_She was so cute, and she gave me a big hug as I helped get her in the ambulance. Those are the good calls, even if they aren’t big emergencies. It’s good to have a good day in this job.”_

Carlos noticed that Kennedy seemed almost wistful as he said that and wondered if he’d had a bad day recently, and that was why he not willing to talk about tragedy or if it were something he’d always avoided. 

He resolved to DM Kennedy later though he wasn’t sure it was his place to do so. Was it weird? He shrugged the thought off and sipped his water as he continued listening.

_“I was once called to a fire where a woman was successfully managing to help douse a fire with pots and pans full of water, while her neighbours stood by and did nothing. We had to stop her from continuing when we got there. She made me the best brownies I’ve ever eaten in my life._

_Every so often, we’ll get called to scenes where we might be needed for nothing more than reinforcement, a domestic if someone decides to light someone else’s stuff on fire. So it was weird when we got called to a scene where a woman could hear yelling in the apartment next to her; she could smell smoke. She was convinced that the couple next door was fighting._

_We got there, police cleared the scene and reported no one there, but we were called in for a small fire._

_We put it out, called out, and no one was there. No one had lived there for 25 years, though the lady next door had lived there for fifteen of those._

_I checked because I couldn’t help myself; I had to no more. No one was ever killed there in modern record, and who knows about before those things had been recorded. That was a weird one, whether you believe in ghosts or not.”_

Carlos listened to him tell a few more stories, enjoying the ebb and flow, the inflection in Kennedy’s voice and the amusement as he told different stories. 

_“While we’re at it, if you decide to use incense, you probably don’t want to let it burn down so badly in something flammable, like...tissue paper. Just maybe stop using tissue paper as a whole._

_And I was offered a story from one of our listeners; hopefully, I can tell it, and he told it to me, but I won’t bury the lead. No children were harmed during this story.”_

Carlos laughed as Kennedy told the story of his niece and Diego, managing to make it sound much more dramatic and amusing than he had managed for himself over text. He shook his head as Diego was daringly rescued from the darkness of the bathtub drain by a dashing hero, sounding like some kind of fairy tale.

_“Now for some questions from our listeners. The first question is: Are you sure you can’t do an Instagram live or a youtube video?_

_Yes, I’m sure. My Instagram is private, meant for myself, friends and family, and I cannot figure out youtube for the life of me. Trust me; it’s better for everyone. The editing alone would be bad; I can’t even work Tiktok. I’m an old soul._

_The next question is if you could work in any other city, where would you like to work?_

_I love New York, so I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave my station here, it’s a home, and sometimes it feels like it’s what holds the world together for me. I think it’s fun to go to conventions, even though most of my fellow squad members don’t. I like learning about different techniques used around the country or the world, and I like hearing about how certain situations are handled. It’s all about evolution, making us better at our jobs. I guess if you forced me to choose, I wouldn’t mind another big city like LA. I hear some weird stuff happens out there._

_“What is it like to be gay and a firefighter?” Well, it’s probably better here than it is in some other places. It’s been known in my house, with my Captain, that intolerance will not be accepted; we even march in Pride every year, but it is still a job filled with toxic masculinity, intolerance, and people who don’t realize the world around us needs to change. So if you’re listening and you’re gay, or bi, or any member of this community and you want to be a first responder, I won’t lie to you and say that you won’t experience a struggle, you will, but I also want you to know that you can get through it and you can do it._

_That’s how I’m going to leave it because I want to leave you always with something good. You can do it, you can make it, and if your family isn’t there for you, create a family around you, that is._

_The people who will hold you down, who will try and push you down, they don’t matter.”_

Carlos found himself blinking rapidly as he listened to Kennedy’s words, thinking of his own struggles, his own enemies. 

He listened as Kennedy wrapped up the show and unlocked his phone almost immediately; opening up Twitter, he navigated to his DMs and shot Kennedy a message.

 **DM to First Responder Says:** “Thank you for the show today, your message at the end meant a lot, and I know it will mean a lot to anyone listening who needs to hear it. Hell, sometimes I do. Being a gay cop in Austin, Texas, isn’t always a walk in the park.”

He paused, then nodded to himself before he hit send and stood up. Maybe Michelle would like to go get a drink. 

It was time to spend less time alone. Even if it was just with friends.


	5. Quicksand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kennedy reaches out to Carlos after a fight with his boyfriend and their friendship strengthens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, another chapter of this saga. Thank you to those of you who are sticking with me and those who may have just joined me. 
> 
> The embedded Tweets are gone, for now, to make this fic more accessible to anyone using any dictation software and also because they're exhausting to put together and to be honest, I'm not doing so great today.
> 
> Also, a posting schedule only matters as much as I let it. So here's an early chapter for you all.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191775090@N04/50867725268/in/dateposted-public/)

It was late at night, and Carlos resisted the urge to fall asleep in his squad car when his phone buzzed. He glanced around outside the concert venue, nothing was happening so far, and he wasn’t the only one here.

He flicked it open and smiled when he saw it was Kennedy.

**1stResponderSays:** “What kind of night are you having?” 

Carlos considered everything that had happened through his day, including that he’d had to change his uniform twice and huffed out a soft laugh. Yeah, it had been a day. 

**LostReys:** “Well, I am still on duty, and I’ve changed my uniform twice today, once more, and I’m going to have to do laundry after work before I even get the chance to sleep.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “Ouch, sounds almost as bad as my night.”

Carlos frowned, feeling slightly worried as he replied. “What happened?” He looked out his window, checking again to see if anything was going on. He hated this dut; he’d rather be inside enjoying the music for once instead of stuck inside. 

**1stResponderSays:** “Got into another fight with my boyfriend, nothing for u to worry about.” 

Carlos shook his head. He liked to think that he and Kennedy were friends; though they’d only had a few conversations, he felt they had a pretty good understanding with each other. 

“You can talk to me,” he typed back quickly. “I’m on duty, so I might not reply right away, is all.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “U know those couples who seem to have all their shit together, but it’s all just...surface? Facebook and Insta perfect?” 

Carlos knew precisely the kind of relationship that Kennedy was talking about; he’d been pulled into them before. It became more about appearances than it did about substances, some weird way of winning publicly, even if it meant you were losing privately. Losing yourself. 

God, he hoped that wasn’t what was happening with Kennedy and his boyfriend. He deserved better.

He didn’t know how he knew that; he just did. 

“Yeah, I know those types all too well. Is that what you and Alex? Have?” Carlos wasn’t sure if he remembered the guy’s name right. 

**1stResponderSays:** “Yeah. I want to think we don’t. But lately, not so sure. It’s stupid.” 

Carlos shook his head and nibbled at his bottom lip, wondering how he could even begin to comfort Kennedy, especially given the literal distance between them. 

“I’m sorry, but if you’re feeling something bad, it’s not stupid; it’s valid,” he cringed a little bit, hoping his comment would be seen as supportive instead of critical of Alex. 

**1stResponderSays:** “Anyone ever tell u that ur too nice?” 

Carlos chuckled to himself and sat up quickly as another squad car drove past, jerking his head in a nod toward his fellow officer. 

“Only everyone I’ve ever met.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “Okay, that just made me lol. Ur humble too.” 

Carlos dragged a hand through his hair and took a swig of his stone-cold coffee, cringing. “Glad I could make you laugh when you’re not feeling great.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “U single?” 

Tilting his head back, Carlos tried to think about why that would matter to Kennedy. Did he want someone to commiserate with? Yeah, that was probably it. 

“Yep. Been single for a couple of years, not a lot of guys want to date a cop.” He fiddled with his keychain and shifted in his seat. “They think they do, but the reality of the situation is different than they think it will be. Especially when you’re not willing to write off their parking tickets or speeding tickets for them.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “God, do I get that. It seems like it should be so hot or sexy. It’s just exhausting.” 

“Isn’t it?” Carlos set his phone down as the next shift rolled up beside him, and he rolled his window down. 

“Busy night, Reyes?” Vasquez asked him, a smile on her face. 

“Thrilling,” Carlos replied with a laugh. “Here’s hoping you have just as much of a boring night as I have.”

“Aw, Carlos, you say the sweetest things,” she answered him and shook her head. The two of them exchanged their particulars. Carlos radioed into the station before he pulled away and headed back. 

He was lucky; he didn’t have to pull anyone over or get stopped on his way home, which could extend a cop’s shift by a couple of hours with paperwork alone. He sat on the bench next to his locker and pulled out his phone again.

“Off shift,” Carlos typed out to Kennedy. “You?”

**1stResponderSays:** “Still on shift. That’s what we fought about. I work too much, but then when I’m off for 48, I’m around too much.” 

Carlos shook his head; this guy sounded like a complete and total asshole. He shoved his phone in his pocket, deciding he wouldn’t answer right then. He packed up his stuff, and slung his bag over his shoulder drove home. 

“I’m sorry,” he typed while sitting in his driveway, figuratively biting his tongue. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “Thx. It’s nice to talk to someone who gets it. I love him. It’s just hard.”

Carlos thought of his Abuela and Abuelo, who had been together for over 40 years, who told each other that they loved each other every morning. It was the first words out of their mouths, and they always made it look easy.

He wanted that, and he wanted that for Kennedy too. 

“All relationships require work, or so I’ve heard,” he got out of the car and walked inside, the silence of his apartment pressing in on him a little bit more than normal. “I’ve been trying to get out there,” he managed, one-handed as he unlocked his safe and stowed his firearm. “But you’re right; the hours are shit.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “Have you ever dated a fellow cop?” 

Carlos walked to the fridge, reading the words and thought of Lucas, how the two of them thought they might make it, but it had just been awkward when they were on shift together. 

“Tried to once, didn’t work,” he sat on the edge of his bed and swung his legs up onto it as he leaned against the headboard. “I’m too serious for some people.”

**1stResponderSays:** “What’s that mean? 2 serious?” 

Carlos huffed and rubbed a hand over his face. He should shower, he should get some sleep, but something in him compelled him to comply.

“I’m kind of an all or nothing kind of guy, my work, my family, my friendships and my relationships,” he considered it his biggest flaw. 

**1stResponderSays:** “I could use an all-in kind of friend…”

**1stResponderSays:** “I’m sorry, that’s awkward.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “I ask too much of people sometimes.” 

“No,” Carlos typed quickly, his thumbs flying across the keys. “Don’t apologize, and you’re not asking a lot. We could all use more friends, us first responders have to stick together. You’ve got me.”

**1stResponderSays:** “Thanks, anyway, I should let you get to sleep. Thanks for listening to me ramble.” 

“Anytime, K, anytime.” Carlos heaved himself up off the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom, leaving his phone behind.

In too deep, yeah, that sounded about right to him. In quicksand, no less, struggling to get out and just sinking deeper. 


	6. A Good Shoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos has a bad day at work, one where he questions if he should even be doing what he is doing, and Kennedy is there for him in a way he never has been before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. So.
> 
> This chapter came from a place of conflict, after I had a conversation with a friend (ex) of mine who is now an ex cop, about what it means to put on the uniform today and how hard it can be, especially if you’re a minority.
> 
> It does involve a shooting, and Carlos is the one who takes the shot. No one is killed, and it leads Carlos into a dark, albeit introspective place about what he is meant to do with his life, and what he can do now that this has happened. Deep down, he joined the force because he wanted to help, and is now wondering if it can be enough. 
> 
> I did not intend this as any sort of copaganda. If you don’t want to read this chapter, I completely understand. It is only briefly touched on in the following chapters. 
> 
> Please do not attack me for this. I almost scrapped this chapter entirely. 
> 
> **TW:** Police shooting, injury of a minor, talk of difficulties being a cop.

“This episode is dedicated to my new friend and follower, LostReys of the Austin PD. He’s a fellow first responder who knows how hard the job can be, and I hope this makes him smile.”

Kennedy’s voice warmed Carlos from the inside out, and he couldn’t even believe he was thinking about laughing at a time like this. He wrapped his blanket tighter around himself and closed his eyes as he sank into the comfort of his couch.

It had been a bad call. One that ended in someone else’s blood on his hands and a report written about discharging his firearm at a scene. 

The kid would live. It was a non-fatal wound, and Carlos knew that if he hadn’t done it, he might not have made it out alive. He just hadn’t known the person he’d shot in the leg was a 16-year-old kid who had just desperately wanted to feed his mother and sister. 

And his mother...she had gripped his hands, scrubbed clean in the hallway of the hospital and thanked him for not killing her boy. Because that was a concern, it turned his stomach and looking at his uniform, one he had felt so proud to wear, had clouded his vision with shame. 

A good shoot. That’s what they called it. His CO had told him he had nothing to worry about.

But he did worry; even as he listened to Kennedy’s voice wash over him, he worried. The kid would end up in the system; either way, he only hoped he would be tried in juvenile court instead of as an adult. He hadn’t actually hurt anyone, and by all accounts, he was a good kid. 

His phone buzzed, and he looked at it, figuring it was Michelle calling again, but it wasn’t. 

**1stResponderSays:** “Did you like the episode?” 

He licked his lips and cleared his throat, and picked up his phone with shaking hands. It took him a couple of tries to unlock it, and he rubbed his forehead as he tried to formulate a reply.

“I am trying to listen to it now, just got in.”

**1stResponderSays:** “I thought you were off at 10.”

“I had to fill out some paperwork, just got back from the hospital,” he typed out. 

**1stResponderSays:** “The hospital?! Reys, are you okay?” 

“No. I mean, yes, physically. But no.” Carlos wasn’t even sure if he was physically okay, with the way his stomach kept churning. “I had to discharge my firearm at a scene today. I shot a kid. He was sixteen years old.” 

**1stResponderSays:** “Shit, are you okay?” 

Carlos couldn’t help the anger he felt building up inside him, and he resisted the urge to throw his phone across the room. He knew his friend was just concerned about him.

But why didn’t anyone care about the boy? Why was he the only one who seemed to care? He could’ve killed him.

“Am I okay? Why does that matter? I shot a kid; everyone should be asking if he is okay,” his thumbs flew across the surface of the keys, and tears clouded his vision. 

**1stResponderSays:** “Will he be okay?”

Carlos closed his eyes and covered them with one hand, tears slipping down his cheeks. He didn’t know how to answer. His phone buzzed again, and again and when he glanced at it, there were a series of DMs sitting there. The last linking him to a Skype user handle.

He clicked on it without thinking, and when Skype opened, a call came through immediately. 

“H-Hello?” His voice shook.

“Reys,” Kennedy sounded relieved, and his voice was thick with emotion in a way that it rarely was on the podcast. “Thank God.” 

“I had a bad day, Kennedy,” He whispered into the phone and curled in on himself as though he could physically shield himself from everything he was feeling. “I never wanted to be one of those cops.”

Kennedy sucked in a deep breath. “You’re not. You’re not one of them. I know you,” he insisted, voice firm. “You wouldn’t have hurt that kid if you didn’t have to. What were his injuries?”

“I shot him in the leg,” Carlos replied, clenching one hand into a fist. 

“How deep did it go? Was the bullet still in him?” Kennedy questioned. 

“No, no, it glanced,” Carlos choked out. “I couldn’t...my hands were shaking. He was scared, and so was I. He just wanted some money for his family, his mother lost her job, and his dad died. He used to go to my Mama’s church.” 

“Reys,” Kennedy snapped his name, and it pulled him out of the fog, however temporarily, and he made a noise to acknowledge that he was listening. “A worse man, a worse cop than you would have killed him. He’ll have stitches, and yes, he’ll have to go to court, but you didn’t kill him. You tried to save him. You did save him.” 

Carlos huffed out a noise that was half laugh, half sob. “How can you get through to me when no one else can?” He’d be embarrassed about this later, he was sure. 

“I don’t know, we just know each other,” Kennedy’s voice was warmer now, sounding more like it did during his episodes. “Maybe we were connected in a past life.” 

“Sure,” Carlos replied and unfurled slowly, his muscles aching. “I’ll be called to testify.” 

“Yeah, you will, but you get to choose what you say up there,” Kennedy responded. “And I know you’ll act from a place of compassion, you seem to always do.” 

“You’re right,” Carlos answered, and he felt relief flood through him for the first time today. He and the kid didn’t have to be on other sides. He could help.

It was why he’d gone to the academy in the first place. To help people, he’d wanted to change the system from the inside out. 

Today could be the start of that. 

“It’ll mean trouble for you,” Kennedy warned. “Other officers won’t understand it.” 

Carlos knew that. He’d had trouble in the past. He’d always been one to ask questions first. Questions that had gotten him glares, and on one memorable occasion, a. fist to the face. He might never climb the ladder, but at least he’d feel like he was doing the right thing. 

“You have a nice voice,” he wasn’t sure what made him say the words. 

Kennedy laughed a somewhat sharp sound that softened toward the end like it was startled out of him. “Thanks, Reys; I’m glad you think so; otherwise, my podcast might not go very far.”

“I’m sure it was a good episode; I’ll listen to it again with a clearer head,” Carlos promised, feeling slowly like he could breathe again. God, his head hurt. His heart hurt too. Hell, everything hurt. It was soul deep. 

“I don’t want you to get mad, but there are other ways of helping people that don’t involve a gun and badge,” Kennedy said, voice soft like he was unsure of his own words. 

A year ago, Carlos’ temper would’ve flared at the suggestion. A year ago life, and the world had felt different. 

“I know, but I have to start here.”

He didn’t know where here was anymore, but he needed time. 

“Okay,” Kennedy replied. “I’m here for you.”

“I’m here for you too,” Carlos told him, and the words wrapped around them both like a promise. 

“I know...I have to go, but I’m only going to if I know you’re going to be okay.”

Carlos laughed, the sound breaking free from deep in his chest. “And if I wasn’t?” 

“I would call in sick,” The words were simple, a vow. 

“I’ll be okay,” Carlos insisted. 

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Carlos murmured into the phone and wished not for the first time, that Kennedy was his. 

“You should talk to someone,” Kennedy’s voice was pressing and insistent.

“I will,” Carlos nodded, knowing he would need to. Counsellors, lawyers, an advocate for the kid. He would do his best and hope that his best was good enough. 

“Rest.”

“Stay safe,” Carlos told him, and when they disconnected the call, he looked down at Kennedy’s name on his contact list. He saved it and then sank into the couch and closed his eyes.

Peace would come later, but for now, just being alive would be enough.


	7. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos is going through it the best he can and he thinks maybe Kennedy is too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support with this and my other fics. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcome.
> 
> TW: PTSD-like symptoms from Carlos mentioned in brief

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Carlos admitted, rubbing his hands on his jeans. His palms were sweating, and his stomach ached as he sat across from his therapist for the third week in a row. “It’s affecting my work and personal life.”

“Could you explain?” Theresa asked, her hands resting in her lap as she watched him. 

“I’m not sleeping well, and I can’t trust myself,” Carlos replied, keeping his voice soft. “I startle at noises; I see danger where it isn’t.” 

Theresa nodded her head. “I understand,” she murmured. “You’ve been through something so few people have, and I am guessing the others still aren’t treating you all that well.” 

Carlos closed his eyes, remembering camaraderie and now acid and vitriol. “Some of them are on my side, my CO gets it, but others don’t see it, or me.” He let the words flow out, and by the time his appointment was over, he felt wrung out, but everything felt so much clearer. He knew what he had to do. 

\-----

Carlos sprawled out on his bed, closing his eyes; he took in a deep breath then let it out. 

“That was good,” his bed partner murmured as he leaned over and kissed Carlos’ shoulder, making a happy noise. 

Carlos grinned and nodded his head. “Yeah, it was.” He propped his head up on one arm and leaned in to kiss him deeply on the lips. “It was great, actually,” he murmured with a soft chuckle. 

He’d taken Michelle’s advice, even though he’d not talked to her in a couple of weeks, and gone out dancing.

Dancing had led to a couple of drinks; drinks had led him to Wyatt, and Wyatt had led him to bed. He was not complaining. 

“What do you do?” Wyatt asked, eyes travelling up and down the length of Carlos’ body and the heat there made him feel a bit smug.

“I’m in between jobs at the moment,” Carlos said as he pushed himself up and then stood. “You?” 

“I’m in town for a week,” Wyatt explained. “Conference. Should I give you my number?” 

Carlos considered it and briefly thought of Kennedy, and then of Alex and nodded his head. “Yeah, leave it with me; I can show you the sights.” 

“I like the sights you’ve shown me so far,” Wyatt grinned and accepted the cell phone Carlos handed him, tapping his number in. “Looks like you’ve got a message.”

Carlos took it back and saw it was his sister. He bit his bottom lip, “Sorry, looks like it’s a family emergency.” He hoped it didn’t sound like an excuse, but his stomach sank. There was no reason for her to call him at 2 am.

“It’s fine, I have an early morning,” Wyatt kissed him quickly and gathered his clothes. “Don’t forget to call me.” 

Carlos didn’t mean to forget. He did think of Wyatt as he stood next to his Tia’s casket at her funeral and wondered if he should call him. 

\-----

“Are you okay?” Kennedy asked him as they spoke on Skype one night. 

“I think so,” Carlos replied, nibbling on his bottom lip. “I met a guy.” He didn’t know why he was telling Kennedy this; it wasn’t like Wyatt was a boyfriend. He was a hook-up. But still, he felt like it was progress in some way. 

“Yeah?” Kennedy responded, momentarily distracted. “Tell me about him.”

“It’s nothing; his name is Wyatt,” Carlos told him, stopping when Kennedy laughed. “What’s funny about that?”

“That is the most Texas name I’ve ever heard,” Kennedy snickered into the phone and Carlos couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Wyatt Earp wasn’t from Texas; he was from Monmouth, Illinois, and he died in Los Angelas, so you get that thought out of your head,” Carlos informed him, grinning when Kennedy laughed even harder. “This Wyatt is also not from Texas. He was in town on business.” 

“Oh, so how long is he in town for?” Kennedy asked. “And how do you know so much about Wyatt Earp?”

“Just the week, but I don’t know if he ever comes back,” Carlos let the sentence hang in the air for a moment, then decided to change the subject. “He was a lawman; I wanted to be one.” 

Kennedy made a soft humming noise. “Interesting,” he commented. “What else have you been up to? We haven’t talked in a bit; I guess our shifts don’t really line up anymore.” 

Carlos was tempted to tell Kennedy everything that had transpired. His job. His Tia. The unexpected windfall and all of the changes in his life, but something held him back. 

“Guess not, it’s a shame,” He shifted and took a drink from his water. “What have you been up to? I noticed you didn’t post an episode this week.” 

“I’m taking a little break from it,” Kennedy explained in a tone that made Carlos feel that it wasn’t necessarily his idea to do so. “I’ve got work, and Alex and I are talking about moving in together.” 

“Really?” Carlos was surprised. He didn’t get the impression that the two of them were getting closer together, but somewhat further apart. He wondered if it was a last-ditch effort to stay together but bit his tongue. He was in Texas, after all, and Kennedy was in New York. There could be a side to all of this that he wasn’t seeing. 

“Yeah, he stays here more often than not and together, we might be able to afford something bigger than a shoebox,” Kennedy laughed softly. 

“You should just move here,” Carlos teased him. “I’ve got two whole floors in my place.” His place, which sometimes felt a little too big for just him, full of space and silence. 

“Rub it in, Texas, seriously,” Kennedy told him, then there was a noise like he was covering the speaker. “Shit, I gotta go. I’m sorry, Cap needs me to cover a shift.” 

“It’s fine, stay safe and let me know when you want to chat, I’ve got a vacation coming up, so I’ll be free.” 

“Lucky you, you stay safe too,” Kennedy told him before he hung up. 

Vacation, right. More like he needed to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life because being a cop wasn’t it.


	8. Ashes to Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos is getting a new start in life, but Kennedy seems to be pulling away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for keeping up with me and this fic. This is a big chapter because it reveals a lot but leaves some to the imagination as well. It's also time we meet canon, just a little bit. 
> 
> **TW: Talk of the disaster at the beginning of 911: Lone Star**

Carlos hadn’t expected the resistance he was currently getting from his family. Most of them hadn’t wanted him to become a cop. He remembered how both his mother and Tia Sofia had cried in worry for him, but now his mama was protesting his leaving the force. 

“Mama, it will be fine; I’ll be helping people, maybe even more than I did before,” Carlos resisted the urge to toss his hands in the air, knowing from experience it would just incense her further. 

“But you will not have a steady income, mijo, and you will be on call all hours. I don’t think you know what you’re getting into,” His mama’s voice was firm, and her eyes reflected her worry. 

“I know what I’m doing, Mama,” Carlos insisted; reaching for her hands, he held them in his and squeezed. “I want you to be proud of me, not worried. I have to do this.”

“I worry, Carlos, it’s a mother’s job,” She squeezed his hands back but then let him and the subject drop as she turned to pour them both some lemonade. “I’m always proud of you, my boy.” 

He only hoped that his sisters, father and the rest of the family would get on board. He knew Michelle was, and some of her friends who were first responders seemed to think that he was doing the right thing.

It just didn’t feel entirely like it was enough. 

\-----

“Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever figure out the right thing to do?” He found himself typing into his phone and sending it later that day. He didn’t know if Kennedy would respond. Since the podcast had gone offline, Kennedy’s moments online seemed to be few and far between. 

He knew Kennedy had been getting the messages, he’d even seen that he was typing a response a time or two, but nothing had arrived. 

He worried but tried not to even as he tossed his phone into the passenger seat of his car and put the vehicle in drive as he headed to the job site. The house could use some work before it was good for what he wanted to use it for, and even though he knew it annoyed the workers, he couldn’t help but go and check on it every day. 

“Carlos,” The contractor greeted him the moment he walked through the door, giving him a firm handshake. 

“Mick,” Carlos managed a small smile as they shook hands. “Just came to check.” 

“Not a problem,” the burly man replied. “I was going to call you with an update anyway. We’ll be able to get the plumbers in by Friday, which means we shouldn’t be waiting long on tiling and the finishing touches in the bathroom for long.” 

“Seriously?” Carlos was stunned and gratified. Everything was coming together, and he almost couldn’t believe it. Even the lawyer Grace had put him into contact with had managed to cut through a great deal of red tape. 

Tia’s House would be opening sooner rather than later, and he found himself looking around the entryway in awe. So much of the destruction had been cleared away, and he found himself looking at an area bathed in light and full of welcome. 

“Seriously,” Mick beamed at him and clapped him on the shoulder. “It means it’s time for you to make some aesthetic choices. I’ve got everything laid out for you in the kitchen.” 

Carlos took a deep, fortifying breath and nodded his head as he followed Mick toward the kitchen and the samples that awaited him here.

If nothing else, this was proof to him that he was doing the right thing and that Tia Sofia would approve of what he was doing here. 

\-----

It was hours later when Carlos returned to his place, and he didn’t even bother heading for the stairs. He dropped down on the couch, weary, tired and happy; he closed his eyes. 

The darkness welcomed him, wrapped him in its arms and allowed him to fall into a much-needed sleep. 

He didn’t know how much longer it was when he jerked awake as his phone buzzed along the glass of the coffee table and almost fell off the edge. He picked it up and answered, “Reyes.” 

“You’re okay,” Kennedy’s voice came through, full of relief and was he crying? 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine; why?” Carlos rubbed his eyes, his joy at hearing Kennedy’s voice for the first time in a few weeks outweighed by his worry. “Are you?” 

“Rey...Reyes, I guess,” Kennedy said, awkwardly, and Carlos’ stomach sank. That was the tone of voice he’d always used when he had to deliver bad news to someone. “It’s all over the news; what happened tonight.”

Carlos frowned to himself and flicked on the television, the room flooding with orange the minute he was on a news station. “What the…”

“They’re saying all of the first responders at the scene are gone,” Kennedy’s voice was hushed, and yes, those were definitely tears. “I knew you wouldn’t likely be there, but I had to check. I know sometimes you’re called to scenes for crowd control or something, I just...I had to know that you were okay.” 

His blood pumped through his veins quickly as he saw the devastation of the fire raging on his television screen. He knew the area. Hell, it had been part of his patrol until a couple of months ago.

When he saw the number on the side of the truck, his phone almost slipped from his hand he had to squeeze to keep from dropping it. 

“Did you know them?” Kennedy’s voice was louder now like he was right there next to him. He’d turned up the volume by mistake. 

“I have to go,” He said, his voice hardly reaching past his lips. He heard Kennedy protesting as he hung up the phone and stood; hurrying for the door, he grabbed his jacket and keys.

He had to get to the hospital. He had to get to Grace. And as he left the house, he prayed to God that Judd Ryder was still alive.


	9. This is a Setup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos attends more than one funeral, has dinner with the Ryders, and meets someone "new."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is not Monday. I realize this. It is Sunday, but to be honest, this chapter excited me way more than it should and so I was like, "Hey, why don't I just post this early, and also do two chapters this week?" 
> 
> I don't know if I'll do two chapters this week, but I have a good portion of the next chapter done too. I also have a clear ending in mind for this story. 
> 
> Please do not hate me after reading this chapter. Likes, kudos, comments, reblogs and all of that are always welcome and I'm still taking asks and prompts on my [Tumblr](alilypea.tumblr.com) for this universe, Strands of Time and Once Upon a Time as well as standalone fics.
> 
> **TW: Death of the 126, funerals, and bad friendship practices.**
> 
> ****

Carlos stood next to Grace at the funeral. Another funeral. His chest ached, and his hands shook as he tucked them into his pockets and took a deep breath. 

Judd stood apart from them, apart from Grace as he had for the last two funerals.

Carlos could see that he was frantically trying to keep all of his broken pieces together. The lone survivor of the 126. Men who had been good people, who had families, who had been good at their jobs. 

He didn’t know how he felt. These were people he knew, hell, one had coached his little league team, and another had been in the academy with him before switching to the FD. 

He’d seen so much death in the past few months he wasn’t even sure the world made sense anymore. His life certainly didn’t. 

He and his family were at odds with each other about what his future would be. Construction was almost done at Tia’s House, and all the paperwork had been filed. They’d be accepting residents within the week. 

Most of his friends who were cops weren’t talking to him and Kennedy...

Kennedy was going through something he couldn’t understand, mainly because his friend had gone radio silent after finding out Carlos was okay. 

He just wasn’t sure that he could do this alone.

“Thank you for coming, Carlos,” Firefighter Marcus’ widow told him, squeezing his arm when he shook her hand. “My husband always had good things to say about you, especially what you’re doing now.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Carlos bowed his head. “I’m sorry for your loss.” 

She nodded her head, both of them knowing the words weren’t enough, and she moved onto the next person.

“She’s right, you know,” Grace said to him in a hushed, warm voice. “You’re doing great things, Judd and I are proud of you.”

Carlos shook his head, his eyes clouded with tears, which he sniffed back quickly as Judd approached. 

“Ready to go?” Judd asked Grace. 

Grace nodded and leaned up to kiss Carlos on the cheek before taking Judd’s hand and allowing him to lead her away.

Carlos took in a deep breath, nodding to himself. Well, if at least two people thought he was doing the right thing, that was enough. He knew Michelle did too, and Irish would’ve too if she were still around. 

Everyone was going through it, so he would just keep pushing on. 

———

It had been weeks. Almost a full month and a half since he’d last heard from Kennedy when his phone lit up with a Skype notification.

He picked it up and unlocked it; putting down his fork as he did so, he looked at the message and shook his head. He could not believe this. 

**Kennedy:** Alex and I split up. 

He had to be fucking kidding. He disappeared for weeks, letting Carlos constantly worry, leaving his messages on read.

Carlos dropped his phone face down on the table and put his head in his hands. Hell no. He deserved better than this. Better than having feelings for some guy he would never meet in person who was clearly always going to be hung up on someone who treated him wrong.

He also wanted to punch Alex in his no doubt smug face for treating Kennedy this way because he had no doubt Alex was the one who ended it. 

He just needed time.

**Kennedy:** I need to tell you something.

The next message read when he picked up his phone again. His thumb hovered over the text box, and he debated on replying before deciding, no, reacting in anger was not the right way to go about doing things. He signed out instead, polished off his lunch and stood up, not allowing his curiosity to get the better of him.

Surely whatever Kennedy had to tell him could wait a day or two. 

———

“When was the last time you went out?” Grace asked him as he helped her put dishes in the dishwasher.

“I go out all the time,” Carlos replied. He actually hardly spent time at home lately; most of his time was spent at work.

And really, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“You go to work; it’s not the same thing,” Grace rolled her eyes and handed him another plate. “Even my husband goes out more than you do.” 

Carlos hesitated, but he had to. “Are you two doing okay?” 

Grace smiled at him, but it was a sad look. “That man promised me forever, so that’s what I’m getting. He’ll be okay, and so will we.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” Carlos shook his head, continually amazed at her ability and Judd’s to just face down tragedy while hardly flinching. That is when the tragedy wasn’t personal.

“What? Work? Your job comes with its own kind of heartbreak, honey, and don’t try to tell me it doesn’t,” Grace handed him the last dish and watched as he closed the dishwasher. “You should come out dancing with us.”

“Being a third wheel isn’t my idea of a good time, _honey_ ,” Carlos teased as he washed his hands and reached for a towel, which she pulled away from him.

“Oh no, I’m not talking about a third wheel, Carlos, Michelle will be there and the rest of the new 126, it’s time you met new people, and you can give them your sales pitch,” Grace informed him, smiling as he snatched the towel from her hands.

“This sounds like a setup,” Carlos replied, playfully glaring at her.

“Would I do that?” Grace put her hand to her chest.

“You could sell ice to a man in the Arctic in winter, Grace Ryder,” Carlos laughed when she smiled. “I’ll come.” 

He had to admit; he was intrigued to meet the people who’d been stirring up gossip around Austin.

———

The new 126 were certainly an interesting bunch, and Carlos found himself admittedly surprised at how well Judd seemed to fit in with them. While he’d never had a problem with the man, he even considered him a friend, family really; Judd did tend to put off a certain...aura. 

Cowboy Judd is what Marjan had called him teasingly but with affection.

He was glad to see it, though he soon found himself sidling up next to Michelle as the new Captain stepped away for a moment.

“He’s good looking,” Carlos commented, nudging her with his elbow before he lifted the bottle he was holding to his lips and sipped.

“I don’t think he’s your type, Carlos,” Michelle nudged back and turned to smile at him. “How are you? You weren’t at work earlier when I dropped off some supplies.”

“Went and got a shave and a haircut,” Carlos admitted. “And I wasn’t talking about me; I’m not the only one whose been single forever.” He turned as she did, the two of them leaning with their backs against the bar. 

“I don’t like to mix work and pleasure,” Michelle reminded him. One of her golden rules.

Carlos shook his head. “Chica, if you don’t, you’re never getting laid again.” He grinned at her before tipping his head back and draining his beer. 

Michelle laughed softly.

“Captain Strand,” Carlos nodded to the man when he returned and slipped further down the bar to stand next to Grace. “So, where’s my match?” 

Judd laughed. “He’s got you dead to rights, darling.” 

Grace elbowed Judd and rolled her eyes. “I never said I was matchmaking.” 

“If you’re not, then Michelle is, or you both are,” Carlos squinted. “Just point him out to me.” 

Grace shook her head.

“Him,” Judd gestures. “TK. Cap’s kid and an alright firefighter, I guess.” 

“Judd Ryder,” Grace chastised, shaking her head. 

“Aw hell, you were taking forever, and you promised me a dance,” Judd held her hand and pulled her toward the dance floor.

Carlos looked at TK and flashed a quick smile when the other man looked back and then looked him up and down. He set his empty bottle down and strode toward him.

“Wanna dance?” He asked.

“Yeah, sounds good,” TK followed him onto the dance floor and smiled almost shyly.

“You’re not bad,” Carlos commented after a few moods. “I’m Carlos, a friend of the Ryder’s and Michelle’s.” 

“TK,” he introduced himself, an almost playful look on his face. “New in town.” 

“And a member of the 126,” Carlos replied. “You got someone to show you around?” 

“I’ve had a couple of offers. Are you throwing your hat in the ring, cowboy?” 

Oh, he liked that. Carlos laughed and shrugged his shoulders. “I work a lot, but I could take some time.” 

“Long hours, you one of us?” TK gestured before they turned again but soon drifted back into Carlos’ orbit.

Carlos shook his head. “No, I work with kids.” 

TK nodded his head. “I like kids. You should give me your cell number; I can text you for all the details about Austin you think I should know about.” 

“Sure thing,” Carlos stepped off the dance floor with TK as the firefighter pulled out his cell phone and offered him his number.

He then watched as TK’s father called him over with a concerned look on his face.

Maybe they’d had a bad call or something, or the Captain was protective.

Either way, he couldn’t help but think something about TK seemed so damn familiar.


	10. Dreams Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and TK keep meeting, but will they get closer or farther apart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful response to last week's chapter. I meant to post this one last week too, but I got a little stuck in certain parts. 
> 
> For those who keep asking why Carlos doesn't recognize "Kennedy's" voice, there is both a technical and psychological explanation for that.
> 
> And now you'll also know more about Tia's House, an amazing place I wish existed outside of my imagination and everywhere that it's needed. This is also where I might use the last of canon dialogue.

Carlos stumbled backward through the door, enjoying how close to him TK was. He didn’t even know why he was doing this or what he was thinking, but it felt so good. God did it ever feel good.

Every kiss, every touch burned itself into his skin like it might scar. There was something about TK Strand that made him _want_ so fiercely, and he was sick of ignoring what he was feeling. 

The two of them made it to the couch, and he really couldn’t care any less because his skin met TK’s, and every rational thought fled his mind.

What followed was some of the best sex he could ever remember having. 

He tried not to be affected by TK’s rebuff after. He wasn’t a cop anymore, so it wasn’t like he could blast the sirens to help him get to work, but he still knew the city better than anyone new to it. 

They had each other’s numbers, though, so Carlos would just hope that TK would text him. 

\-----

The text came a few days later, surprising him as he sat in his office at work going over some of the files he’d received regarding new residents for Tia’s House.

It would be rough, but it was also exciting knowing that he would get to help more kids. 

TK’s shift would end late, so he would probably be hungry, he figured as he took mental stock of what he had in his kitchen. He’d picked up some fish, which would be quick and even had a nice bottle of wine he could break out for the occasion.

The look on TK’s face, though, after Carlos pushed him away gently, was etched into his memory. He was disappointed. 

TK just wanted sex. Well, he wished he’d known that before. His heart was traitorous and always had been, getting involved too quickly, and maybe in an effort to forget the person he really wanted to forget about. 

Kennedy. 

He still hadn’t texted him back. He didn’t know what the big news was. He didn’t know if he could handle any more big news. The year so far had been more downs than ups, and he felt like (aside from TK) that he was finally getting his shit together. 

The podcast was on an indefinite hiatus due to “personal matters” that Kennedy didn’t want to talk about, but he thanked his fans for their kindness. His Twitter was all but silent, and Skype indicated he hadn’t been on in days.

Carlos sipped from his glass and wondered if he ever would be able to let it go. The lack of podcast made him angry, though, because he knew how much Kennedy had loved doing it, getting to interact with people and educate them on how to keep safe in situations most people wouldn’t (hopefully) ever have to experience. They’d even discussed teaming up on it once, an interview with a (former) officer to discuss different issues plaguing different communities. 

It really was like he’d been trying to throw away his job for longer than he’d actually been a cop. 

He sipped again, then closed his eyes and tilted the glass back. Waste not, want not. He drank the glass meant for TK, too, before gathering the dishes and dropping everything into the recycling and trash.

He had more important things to worry about, right? His work-life was perfect. It was rewarding, and he loved every moment of it. He could do this without TK. Without anyone. 

\-----

“What are you doing here?” Carlos asked TK, the two of them standing across from each other in Tia’s House’s front hall. His eyes took in the sight of TK, dark circles under his eyes, bruised bottom lip and shoulders tight with tension. He looked like one of the kids who’d been brought in last week, and Carlos had to bite back a smile. 

TK plucked at the purple t-shirt he was wearing, a size slightly too small, which stretched across his biceps and his chest, the Tia’s House logo written on it. “I’m volunteering; Margaret set me up.”

Carlos nodded. He trusted Margaret, that’s why she was the volunteer staff manager, and she had mentioned a few more coming in, a few who would be completing…

“Community service?” Carlos tilted his head to the side and licked his bottom lip. “Is that bruised lip why you’re here?” 

TK clenched his jaw so tight Carlos could practically feel his ache in sympathy. “I got into a fight.” 

Carlos crossed his arms over his chest, clipboard still in hand; he felt a bit smug when TK’s eyes followed the motion. “Did you win?”  
TK laughed softly. “No, no, I didn’t.” He stepped closer, the distance between them lessening; he tilted his head back so he could look Carlos in the eye. “You got an office?” 

“We’re not hooking up in my office, TK,” Carlos chuckled, though tempting. He had an open-door policy, though. 

TK rolled his eyes, “Really? I thought you’d love the risk of some teenager walking in. I want to talk to you, to apologize.” 

Carlos smiled a little and gestured for TK to follow him, leading him to the admin hall and his office; at the end, he unlocked it and stepped in; holding the door open for TK, he left it partly open as they sat. 

“Wait, you started this place?” TK sounded stunned. 

Carlos’ smile grew, as did his pride, “Yeah, I did. She’s only a few months old, but I thought Austin needed something for kids who might not have the most accepting of backgrounds. Instead of going into the foster system, they come here. Somewhere safe, somewhere they can stay if they need to until they’re eighteen. We have after school programs for those who don’t live here, education programs for families with LGBTQIA+ children, as well as permanent residents. No one gets left behind.” 

TK gaped at him, and were those tears in his eyes? “Carlos, that’s...that’s amazing. I can’t believe you did this; this is...wow,” he leaned back his chair and averted his gaze, seeming overwhelmed. “I would’ve loved this.” 

Carlos nodded, biting at his bottom lip; he remembered how his own parents had reacted. “Yeah, me too. Me too. My Tia was the one who understood me best; I think when I was growing up. She was like a second mother to me; I lived with her for a short while after coming out to my parents. She died earlier this year and left everything to me, including this property. She just wanted me to do something good.” 

“I’d say you succeeded,” TK told him, his voice soft and choked. 

Carlos sat there with him in silence for a few moments. 

“I’m sorry I went crazy on you the other night,” TK said after a break, meeting Carlos’ gaze with determination.

“I work with kids; I’m used to it,” Carlos waved a hand. Though he wanted to know, he wanted to know what he could have done wrong; he couldn’t bring himself to ask. 

“Look, I just went through a bad breakup,” TK twisted his hands together in his lap. “Like nuclear bad. And then I relapsed.” 

Carlos swallowed and resisted the urge to stand and make his way to TK’s side. “You mean with me?” 

“No, I mean with substances,” TK responded. 

“Right,” Carlos was beginning to get a clearer picture and oh god, what an idiot he’d been. “Which explains your reaction to the champagne; god, I’m such an idiot. I’m-I’m so sorry.” 

“No, it’s fine, okay?” TK reached over and placed his hand over Carlos’ and squeezed gently. “I mean, ever since I’ve gotten here, it’s like it’s gray, and I just feel numb all the time. I guess I just...I wanted to feel something again, whether that was with you or by fighting.” 

“Judging by that lip, I’d say mission accomplished,” Carlos turned his hand and squeezed TK’s glad that he was here, happy that he was safe.

“Are you really busting my balls right now?” TK asked. 

“Yeah, I guess I am, don’t tell anyone I’m supposed to be the boss,” Carlos told him with a short wink, then a moment later slipped his hand away from TK’s. “I don’t need to be your boyfriend, TK, or your partner. I think we would be really good friends.” 

“You mean you’re not going to fire me?” TK sounded surprised; whether it was at not being fired or Carlos’ request to be his friend Carlos wasn’t sure.

“Bold of you to assume I can fire anyone Margaret likes,” Carlos chuckled softly. “I’ve heard about your work from Michelle and Grace; I know you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize anyone else, even on your worst days. Also, chances are one of them put the bug in your father and your arresting officer’s ear about coming here.” 

TK nodded, looking almost sheepish. “I liked the thought of helping kids going through it all.” 

“Then we’ll have no problem, just keep your fists to yourself and let me know if you need to talk, and if anyone gives you any trouble just let me know,” Carlos replied. “I hope you will enjoy it here. I think the kids will benefit from your experience.”

TK stood up and paused for a moment when Carlos stood before darting in and wrapping his arms around him.

Carlos folded his arms around TK and closed his eyes as he held him close. “I think you’ll be okay,” he murmured softly, resisting the urge (just barely) to stroke TK’s hair. 

TK pulled back slowly and looked up into Carlos’ eyes, his own filled with tears. “Thanks for giving me a chance.” 

Carlos nodded and smiled. “Anytime,” he offered and watched TK leave the room. Part of him wanted to take a look at TK’s file, see how long he would be here serving, wondering how he’d managed not to get fired from FD. But the rest of him knew that was unethical, Margeret’s turf and none of his business. 

He would just have to hope that TK would open up to him instead. He’d also have to hope he could manage to maintain the veneer of friendship he’d just placed upon them.


	11. Messy Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK needs Carlos' help cheering up Paul, and he and Carlos have a slightly revealing chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, you get two chapters this week because this wouldn't leave my head, and I needed to get it out.
> 
> Please don't hate me. Remember I often write you all happy things.

“I didn’t expect to hear from you in this capacity,” Carlos admitted, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned against his car next to TK. He’d been surprised to get the call, but the reasoning behind it was not one that he was surprised by. TK seemed like a steadfast, true friend.

“Well, you know the best spots in Austin, and you’re friendly,” TK shrugged his shoulders.

“Wow, best compliment I’ve ever received,” Carlos couldn’t help the sarcasm that coloured his words, even as he nudged TK and smiled at the sky. 

“I didn’t mean it that way,” TK laughed and nudged him back, fingers briefly grasping at Carlos’ shirt. “You always hold yourself so stiffly.”

“Well, I used to be a cop,” Carlos replied, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“Seriously?” TK asked, surprise showing in his facial expression as he stepped away and looked Carlos up and down. “I guess I could see it; you are eerily competent.” 

Carlos chuckled, thinking back on his brief years on the force. “I guess I was; it just didn’t end up being what I wanted in the end. I always felt like I couldn’t do enough.”

TK looked at him slightly askew, then nodded his head. “What you do now is amazing, those kids; they love you so much.”

Carlos smiled at him in return; something about TK’s assurances in what he’d decided to do in life made him feel better somehow. “They’re hard not to love themselves. They’re good kids.”

TK nodded his head and waved Paul over when the other man walked out of the firehouse.

What followed was potentially ramping up to be one of the best nights Carlos could remember having in a long time. He barely checked his phone, and when he did, it was to rebuffs from his staff telling him to relax for once. He joined TK and Paul on the dancefloor again, but soon enough, it was just the two of them.

He leaned in, nosing along TK’s jawline until TK tilted his head back, and then he kissed him there, then suckled lightly, the taste of TK’s skin salty and intoxicating. He was lost in him, the bodies around them and the music pouring through the speakers. It was like he was spellbound.

TK groaned softly, clutching at Carlos’ hips before he seemed to remember himself and pulled back, eyes almost panicked as he studied Carlos’ face.

Carlos remained in his spot, shocked as TK tugged himself away from his grip before he turned and pushed through the crowd on his way to the door. He dragged his fingers through his hair and followed quickly.

“TK,” He called as he jogged across the asphalt, shoes slapping against the payment as he did. “TK, wait, I’m sorry.”

TK finally stopped and turned, one hand clenched into a fist. “Why are you the one apologizing? I’m the mess here.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell TK that they could just be messy together, but there was something in TK’s face that stopped the words from leaving his lips. 

“Stop running, please, just talk to me,” he hated the pleading tone in his own voice. 

Something ugly, rage, crossed TK’s face for a moment before he seemed to reign himself in. It startled Carlos, and he barely stopped himself from taking a quick step back. Something had shifted somehow, and he wasn’t quite sure what it was. 

“Please,” Carlos swallowed and took the step forward, then another until he was close enough to touch TK if he wanted to. He didn't but managed to stop himself, certain it wasn’t wanted. 

“I’m not what you want, Carlos,” TK rubbed his hands over his face and into his hair, tugging lightly before his hands dropped to his side. “I’m not who you think I am.” 

‘I hardly know you; how can you know who I think you are or who I want you to be?” Carlos crossed his arms over his chest. 

“I just do,” TK replied, and his movements were full of anxiety, his muscles tensed as though he might run again. Carlos hoped that he wouldn’t. He wanted so badly for TK to stay. “Everyone wants me to be something more than I am right now. I just can’t, Carlos, I’m so fucking tired,” his shoulders slumped. 

In two steps, Carlos had TK in his arms; holding him close, he felt a fierce wave of protection wash through him. “I’ve got you, TK,” he whispered, gripping the back of the other man’s neck and squeezing just the slightest bit. “Just let me carry that weight for a while.” 

TK slumped into him and clung back; closing his eyes tightly, he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. “Thank you,” the words were hardly loud enough to be heard. “Thank you.”

Carlos pulled back just the slightest bit, and with a gentle hand, cupped TK’s cheek and stroked gently, thumb brushing away the tear that was there. “You’re welcome. Do you want me to take you home?” 

TK shook his head. “I don’t want my dad to see me like this,” he swiped at his own cheeks and pressed his hand against Carlos’, closing his eyes as he leaned into it. “Don’t let me hurt you, Carlos, please.”

Leaning in, Carlos pressed a kiss to his forehead and closed his eyes as well. “I know you would never deliberately hurt me, and I would never deliberately hurt you either.” He stepped back and cleared his throat. 

“Do you want to go back and dance more?” TK asked, gesturing at the club behind them. 

“No, I think I’ve had enough dancing tonight; it might lead to mistakes we can’t take back,” Carlos admitted; ducking his head, he rubbed the back of it. “Do you want to come back to my place?” 

“Won’t that lead to more mistakes we can’t take back?” TK asked him, almost reaching out like he wanted to hold Carlos’ hand. 

“We can spend a night together, as friends. I have a spare room, or you can sleep with me; we can build a pillow wall if it makes you uncomfortable,” Carlos offered and took his hand, squeezing lightly. 

“That sounds good,” TK admitted and followed Carlos as he tugged him along back to the car. “Paul’s already gone.” 

“Good, let’s go,” Carlos opened the door for him, and they both climbed in. Maybe later, he’d learn what seemed to make TK so angry or more about what seemed to leave him in a constant state of exhaustion. 

And hopefully, he wouldn’t get hurt in the process.


	12. Waking Up and Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and TK wake up together, but they don't have long when Margaret calls from Tia's House for help with one of the kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! A night early. This does mean you will likely get two chapters this week, though likely not one tomorrow. 
> 
> **TW: Mentions of homophobia and inference of being mistreated due to it**

Carlos awoke the next morning, wondering if he’d just made one of the worst mistakes in his life. He’d slept so well he almost wondered if he’d been drugged. TK’s arm was thrown around his waist, pressed against him with his head on Carlos’ shoulder, the soft hair tickling his skin lightly.

It felt right.

It felt so right that it made him vaguely nauseated because he’d always been one to fall quickly and deeply.

TK made it easy. He was vulnerable, yes, and hurting, but he was intelligent, quick-witted and fierce in how he was so unapologetically himself.

Carlos had struggled with who he was for so much of his life that he was almost envious. He closed his eyes, wrapping his arm around TK and allowed himself to fall back to sleep. If nothing else, he could allow himself this moment.

“Carlos,” TK’s voice was soft, coaxing as a warm hand pressed against his shoulder and gripped lightly, shaking. “Carlos, your phone is ringing.”

Carlos opened his eyes, sluggish as he tried to understand what TK was doing there, then remembered the night before and the morning. “What?”

“God, you’re cute,” TK disappeared from view and then appeared back into view, holding up his cell, which was vibrating and ringing.

“Shit,” Carlos rubbed his eyes and managed to sit up; taking the phone, he answered it. “Reyes.”

“You’re not a cop, any more sunshine,” Margaret teased him, her voice warm and quickly penetrating the fog that he was in. “I hate to bother you on your day off.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Carlos answered; swinging his legs off the bed, he stifled a yawn and checked the time. Wow, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept past 5 am. He’d managed, by about five hours. “What’s going on?”

TK frowned, watching Carlos intently; he seemed to be studying him, taking in every movement, every cadence of his voice. He gestured to a drawer and then his own body.

Carlos nodded, stomach warm at the thought of TK in his clothing. He pointed to the bathroom and gave him a thumbs-up, indicating that TK would be more than welcome to take a shower now if that didn’t almost derail his train of thought.

“One of the kids had a bit of a rough night,” Margaret was explaining. “Thought maybe he could use some quality Carlos time if you have the time today.”

“Absolutely, I can drop by,” Carlos replied. “Who is it?”

“Henry,” Margaret replied, naming one of the boys who had been at Tia’s since day one. He was 13, shy, and everything in Carlos screamed that he needed to protect him with all that he had. “He got a bit into it with Milo; the two of them are like oil and water.”

“I’ll be there,” Carlos murmured. “He’s been wanting to go get a library card,” he shifted on the bed as TK walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. “Tell him I’ll pick him up around 12.”

“Great,” Margaret told him, then after a brief goodbye.

Carlos flopped back on the bed; closing his eyes, he took a deep breath then let it out. Part of him wanted to get Henry now. Another part of him wanted to go into his bathroom and climb into the shower with TK.

God, most parts of him wanted to climb into the shower with TK.

\-----

“You didn’t have to do this,” TK told him, lifting the muffin that was in his hand, only to take a bite of it as he smiled at Carlos.

“It’s fine,” Carlos replied, shaking his head as he backed out of the driveway, happy they were on their way and out in a more public area. He had managed to resist TK for the morning, mostly because he’d been asleep, but control wasn’t something he significantly possessed a lot of it turned out. “It’s not like I made them fresh today.”

“You made these?” TK mumbled, his eyes bugging out slightly as he looked down at the muffin.

“Yeah, mix up a batch and leave them in the freezer so that they can be made whenever I want them,” Carlos told him. “I like cooking and baking; it feels like I’m creating something special.”

“These are certainly special,” TK broke off a piece and popped it into his mouth, letting out a happy noise; he wiggled slightly and smiled again. “Anytime you want to feed me,” he left the sentence hanging.

“I don’t know; I seem to be one for one right now on that,” Carlos glanced at him, smiling when TK seemed to freeze. “I’m teasing.”

“I’m still sorry about that; it was immature; maybe and mean of me,” TK admitted, reaching out; after he wiped his hand, he placed it on Carlos’ arm and squeezed lightly. “I’m happy you found it in your heart to forgive me.”

“I’m a pretty forgiving guy,” Carlos shrugged a shoulder and glanced at him, catching TK giving him a concerned look. “Are you okay? You don’t have to come with me. I can drop you off at home.”

“No, it’s fine; I like Henry; if I can help, I want to,” TK replied, going back to eating his muffin as he glanced out the window. “It started as something I was told I’d have to do, but I’m actually really enjoying volunteering here. It really puts things in perspective, how lucky I’ve had it versus some of those kids.”

Carlos nibbled on his bottom lip as he thought over the words, tilting his head from side to side. “I think everyone has it hard; I don’t think it’s good to compare pain. It’s not a contest.”

“You’re right, of course, you’re right,” TK smiled at him. “I’m just saying, thank you for being a friend and for not turning me away when I showed up that day.”

“I wouldn’t; I know you’re a good person, TK,” Carlos replied. “Sometimes we just forget.” He knew he’d forgotten; sometimes, he wondered if it was the pressure of the uniform. To perform and be a certain way.

TK nodded, remaining quiet for the remainder of the drive.

\------

“I hope it’s okay. TK is coming with us,” Carlos said as he approached the car, keeping an eye on Henry as the kid zipped up his coat.

“Yeah, I like Tyler,” Henry replied, a small smile on his face. “He seems nice, and he told me all about New York and all the great photo spots around the city. He said he still had to explore them here, though, see what Austin was all about.”

“Tyler?”

“You didn’t think his parents named him TK did you?” Henry gave him a funny look before he climbed into the car.

“Hey buddy,” TK turned in his seat and shot Henry a big grin. “I hear we’re going for lunch and then the library. I hope you don’t mind a tag-along.”

“Nope,” Henry smiled back at him as he buckled up. “You’re my favourite volunteer; you’re so cool.”

“Did you hear that, Carlos?” TK turned back, a gloating tone in his voice. “Henry thinks I’m cool.”

“You’re alright,” Carlos grinned at the laughter that filled the car and pulled away from the curb. “Let me know if you’re hot or cold back there, hermanito.”

“Will do,” Henry responded, already glued to the world outside the window.

“So, Tyler,” Carlos drawled his name. “Henry was telling me that you like photography, just like him.”  
TK froze for a moment, shooting a look in the rear-view mirror. “Really? Bud? You had to betray me like that.”

“TK sounds like something that would happen in a video game,” Henry replied, huffing out a sigh. “There’s nothing wrong with your name.”

“You sound like my mother,” TK laughed softly. “I guess I am a TKO.”

Carlos groaned and rolled his eyes. “You’re not,” he shook his head but couldn’t help but smile, loving the banter and playfulness, especially since it meant the tension in Henry’s shoulders eased a little bit. “So, photography?”

“I’m not too bad with Instagram, a smartphone and some filters,” TK shrugged his shoulders.

“No way,” Henry said from the backseat. “He’s really good, Carlos, I swear, some of the pictures he showed me were amazing, and they were only shot on a phone. If he had a camera camera, he could sell them.”

“Did you hire him to be your hype man?” Carlos teased in a low voice, then raised it. “Is that so? Well, you’re our resident expert, maybe when you get your camera, you can teach him some things.”

“When I get my camera?” Henry asked, his voice trembling slightly. “What do you mean? I don’t have one.”

“Oh, did Margaret not mention that?” Carlos asked, sharing a grin with TK. “You’re going to be our resident photographer, so today we’re also stopping to get a proper camera. She said she’d know what to pick out.”

The sound Henry made, followed by the tears that came next, almost panicked him, and he was ready to pull the car over and throw it in park when TK unbuckled and turned in his seat.

“I know, it’s scary to feel good,” TK said, reaching for Henry’s hand. “But we’ve got you; no one at Tia’s is going to let you be unhappy or not do the things you want to do. We’re going to get lunch, go to the library, go to the electronics store and then you are going to show me what a badass photographer can do with the proper equipment, okay?”

Henry sniffled and nodded his head, tears still sliding down his cheeks. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, and I know Carlos is too; he’s not someone who says things he doesn’t mean,” TK replied. “It won’t get taken away from you either, okay? We won’t let it.”

Henry nodded again and wiped his face on his sleeves.

TK fetched some tissue and handed it over, planting himself back in his seat; he turned up the volume on the radio to give Henry some privacy to gather himself.  
Carlos couldn’t resist even if he wanted to; his eyes filled with tears as he reached for TK’s hand; placing his over it, he squeezed surprised when TK flipped his hand and laced their fingers together. “Thank you,” he whispered.

TK shook his head, his eyes sparkling as well as he looked back at Carlos. “Don’t,” he murmured and squeezed again.

\-----

It was only supposed to be a short excursion out of Tia’s, so by the time Carlos pulled into the driveway beside the house, it was pushing curfew, and the sun had sunk beneath the horizon.

Henry was sitting next to him, fidgeting with the camera in his lap, continually looking through the photos there, and Carlos swore the smile hadn’t left his face all day.

All three of them had library cards, and TK had been just as excited for the camera as Henry, listening intently as it was explained to him, and he got to try it as well. There were a few pictures of Carlos, some of TK, some of the two of them together, some of the three of them together and honestly; it was one of the best days he could remember having. He didn’t know who was saddest when he dropped TK off at the Strand house, him, TK or Henry.

“This day was amazing,” Henry whispered; looking up at Carlos, he beamed at him. “I’m so glad I came to Austin.”

“Me too, hermanito,” Carlos replied, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder.

“Milo told me that means little brother?” Henry asked, nibbling on his bottom lip nervously. “Does it?”

Carlos nodded his head. “Hermanita means little sister, hermanito means little brother. You’re all mine,” he explained, feeling that fierce need to protect them all flare-up in his chest once again.

“I wish my brother had actually been like you, Carlos,” Henry smiled at him, tentative and almost shy.

“We are brothers. Hermanos,” Carlos clarified, knowing that many kids were interested in learning other languages.

“Hermanos,” Henry echoed. “Thank you for today...for every day.”

“It’s my pleasure, seriously,” Carlos replied, squeezing his shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow, now go show off your day.”

Henry nodded again and slung the camera strap around his neck before he unbuckled the seat-belt and moved to get out.  
“Hey, Henry,” Carlos’ hand clenched on the steering wheel. “Did TK...Did Tyler ever tell you what the K in his name stands for?”

“Yeah, Kennedy, like the President, pretty cool, huh?” Henry waved as he got out of the car, and the sound of the door slamming shot through Carlos like it had been fired from a gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not hate me.


	13. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out, and Carlos' heart is broken, so is TK's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to everyone who was upset with me after the last chapter. I don't know that this will make it any better. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

Carlos felt like he had been hit with a brick when he “awoke” the following morning. In reality, he’d managed little more than a light doze since he’d gotten home the night before. 

How had such a great day, after a pretty good night gone so completely wrong? 

God, could he call in sick today?

No, that wouldn’t work. Henry was insecure enough to think that it would’ve been something he did, and he had to fill out some paperwork for the schools. 

TK was Kennedy. Kennedy was TK.

Was it a joke? Some kind of prank? 

That didn’t seem to fit either, as bad off TK seemed sometimes, as angry, Carlos couldn’t bring himself to believe that he could be cruel.

Did TK know who he was? 

It was something he couldn’t even consider. He was angry, but there was guilt too. Was moving to Texas the big news? Surely that was too coincidental. Maybe more people were firefighters with the name Kennedy. 

Now he was just grasping at straws and was fully aware of it.

He stood unsteady at first, then headed for the bathroom, wondering if a hot shower would rid him of this feeling of being somehow less. 

\---

It was a beautiful day, and he wished he could appreciate it for what it was as he pulled into the driveway at Tia’s House to find most of the kids either tucked away in the shade of the front porch or on the front lawn lounging on beach towels. 

Henry was buzzing around the yard, the sun bouncing off the lens of his brand new camera as he took pictures of them, most of them seeming to enjoy it. 

Milo was sitting nearest the door and stood when Carlos climbed the steps, “So, are you going to take all of us out for expensive gifts, or just him?” His chin jutted out.

Carlos clutched the column he was standing next to and breathed in deep. “Milo, you know I don’t play favourites.” 

“That thing cost like 800 bucks,” Milo gestured, the bracelet on his wrist catching the light as he did so. 

“It did, is there something you’ve been needing or wanting?” Carlos asked him and watched as Milo’s anger literally seeped away at the question. “You just have to ask; we still have money for all of you, thankfully.” 

“So he’s not your favourite?” Milo’s voice grew soft, and he glanced down at the deck floor, 

“No one here is my favourite, except Margaret, let’s face it, the whole place would fall apart without her,” Carlos studied him, taking in the defensive posture and the general way he held himself.

He recognized that stance, and his heart clenched. “Are you happy here, Milo?”

Milo looked startled, his dark eyes showing it before he visibly struggled to regain control of himself. “Y-Yeah, I guess so,” he bit his bottom lip. “I mean, it’s better than the street.” 

God, something about him reminded Carlos so much of TK, and the reminder made him ache.

“You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do? And what you want or need?” Carlos asked him. “My door is always open, and if it's not, please knock.” 

Milo smiled shyly and bounded down the stairs toward Henry, gesturing at the camera in his hands.

Carlos watched the two of them and noted the looks on both of their faces to tell Margaret about. This could be trouble.

About as much trouble as he and TK were.

TK who was standing outside his office when Carlos finally reached it.

“Hey,” the firefighter greeted, a smile on his face as he looked at Carlos. “I had a little bit of time before I inevitably crash, so I figured I’d stop by and see if you needed any help with anything around here.”

Carlos took in a deep breath and looked TK in the eye, searching for any sign of deception or malice in his expression. “I don’t think I need help today,” he said softly, hating how brittle his tone sounded.

He was fine. He would always be fine. He needed to be fine. 

He couldn’t be anything what; people depended on him. 

“You sure?” TK asked, brow furrowing as he studied Carlos. “Are you okay?” 

Carlos shook his head, “Not feeling so great. I slept horribly,” he unlocked the door to his office, wishing he had the courage to slam it in TK’s face. 

TK didn’t know he knew, but did he know who Carlos was? Why didn’t anything in his life make any sort of sense? 

“Hey, not a good time to be doing paperwork then, let me take over some of it for you; I can help,” the other man offered again, slumping down into the chair in front of Carlos’ desk.

“I really don’t want the help today,” Carlos insisted; sitting down in his chair, he turned away from TK to unlock the filing cabinet, wishing his hands would just stop shaking. “I just...I need to get this stuff done, and I don’t...I can’t today, TK, okay?” 

“I’ve never seen you like this,” TK commented softly. “Did something happen?” 

Carlos slapped the folders down on his desk; meeting TK’s eyes, he could feel his own fill with tears. “Was I just a joke to you?” 

“What?” TK asked, confusion colouring his face before he hopped up and closed the door. “You’re not a joke; you’ve never been a joke. Carlos, you’re my friend.”

“Friend? Friends don’t hide things from each other, TK, or should I say, Tyler Kennedy?” He met TK’s eyes, his muscles shuddering as he saw the realization dawn on TK’s face. His stomach turned, and he had to look away. 

“Carlos...”

“Listen to any good podcasts lately?” Carlos asked, next, anger colouring his voice. 

“I can explain,” TK sounded desperate and reached across the desk for Carlos’ hand, which he quickly pulled away. 

“I don’t want an explanation right now,” Carlos told him; holding a hand up, he swiped at his cheeks and inhaled deeply. “How long have you known?”

“Since we went dancing, I swear I didn’t know before,” TK pleaded with him. 

“I believe you,” Carlos admitted because he doubted TK would be the type to sleep with someone while also lying to them. He ducked his head and rubbed his hands over his face, feeling like he could split apart at any moment. “I do, I just...”

TK frowned deeply, tears in his eyes; he seemed at a loss for words. 

“I felt something for you when you were Kennedy, and I trusted you. I’ve felt something for you as TK, too,” Carlos’ voice cracked, and he sniffed back tears quickly. Why was this so hard? “I wanted you to be happy, and I wanted to be there for you; I also wanted you to be there for me.” 

TK nodded his head, his hands clenched around the arms of the chair he was sitting in. 

“We both made mistakes; I didn’t tell you about what happened after the shooting,” Carlos replied and bit his bottom lip. “What happened with my Tia, but you were gone. I know why now, and I can forgive that, but I’m so...I’m so completely confused right now. Can you understand that?” 

TK nodded again. “Will I still be allowed to volunteer here? Will I...Will we...I don’t want to lose you.” 

Carlos cleared his throat and jerked his head in a nod. He stood up slowly and made his way around the desk; sitting on its edge, he looked down at TK, those gorgeous eyes that were so expressive. There was no deceit there, just pain and regret. 

“I won’t ask you to wait for me to be okay,” Carlos managed to say, the words heavy on his tongue. “Of course, you can still volunteer here; you’re their favourite.” 

“I will,” TK replied, standing; he reached for Carlos’ hand, his own shaking when he took it, he brushed a kiss across his cheek. “Thank you.” 

Carlos watched as TK left the room, closing the door behind him and fought to keep it together. He couldn’t afford to fall apart.


	14. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the kids goes missing, and Carlos calls the only number he can think of to call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The support for this fic has been overwhelming, especially on days when I'm not feeling so great. Today is one of those days, so I'm sorry if this isn't my best. 
> 
> You might get two chapters again this week, and yes, there is an end in sight.
> 
> **TW: Runaway child and all the worry that comes with that.**

Carlos felt like the whole world he’d so carefully constructed for himself was crashing down around him. He hung up the phone; having spoken to his old partner, he wasn’t surprised at the answer he had received, just terrified and disappointed about how long he’d have to wait.

He tapped his fingers on his desktop; looking out the door, he could see Henry huddled on the bench in the hallway, his face awash with tears, and he made a decision he hoped he wouldn’t regret later.

TK picked up on the second ring, sounding relieved. “I’m so glad to hear from you; I was hoping we couldn’t avoid each other for--”

“Milo ran away,” Carlos told him, his voice shaking. “I don’t know where he could be because he’s a teenager; the cops are suggesting that we check with friend’s parents, and I know that I know the procedures, but...”

“Those kids weren’t your kid, and those kids lived normal lives,” TK’s voice was low and soothing. “I’ll be right there, don’t go anywhere without me; I’m sending pics to the crew; we’re all off shift. We’ll find him.” He hung up quickly.

Carlos walked out into the hallway, trying to control the anxiety and panic he felt, then lowered himself to the bench next to Henry. “Henry, how are you doing?”

“It’s all my fault,” Henry practically moaned, despair written all over his face as he bowed his head and covered his face with his hands. “I knew he wasn’t acting like himself, and I didn’t say anything.”

“Did he tell you anything that could help us find him?” Carlos kept his voice gently, his hand between Henry’s shoulder-blades as he tried to comfort him while keeping himself calm.

“He just said he knew it wouldn’t last,” Henry swiped at his cheeks, shuddering under Carlos’ touch.

Carlos swallowed heavily; that didn’t sound just like someone who was going to run away. “We’ll find him,” he promised Henry and hoped against everything he was that he would be able to keep that promise.

The door opened, and Carlos looked up just in time to see TK running toward them, his sneakers slapping against the hardwood floor as he did so. Relief filled him, and Carlos stood up quickly; pulling TK toward him, he sank into the hug when the firefighter wrapped himself around him.

“I’m here,” TK murmured, his voice rough, breathy from his run. “I’m here, and we’re going to find him, I promise.”

Carlos nodded, pulling himself back slowly. He watched as TK crouched down in front of Henry and pulled the kid into a hug, murmuring words into his ear as he did so. He turned away, making sure he had his keys and wallet.

“We’re going to head out, you man the fort,” TK told Henry, ruffling his hair. “We’ll bring him back.”

Carlos managed a brief, small smile for Henry’s sake and headed down the hall to the door, not surprised that TK was in step with him.

“Can you drive?” TK asked when they reached the porch, getting Carlos to meet his gaze.

Carlos clenched his jaw tight and jerked his head in a nod. “Yeah, yeah, I’m in control,” he told TK, even as his keys dug into his hand.

“You don’t have to be,” TK said in a soft voice as he followed Carlos to the car and climbed in the passenger side. “Paul and Marjan are out looking, so are Mateo and Judd. My Dad had to stay at the station, but he said he would keep an eye out.”

Carlos nodded as he started the car and turned on the scanner, ignoring the look of surprise on TK’s face when he did so.

“I wouldn’t think that you’d be allowed to keep that,” TK commented softly, his voice low and cautious.

“I still have some friends, people who believe in what I’m doing, people who care about these kids,” Carlos said as he pulled out of the driveway and headed down the street. “I figured we could start where he was first picked up; maybe he went back there.”

TK nodded his head, his hands in his lap. “Did something happen?”

Carlos shook his head; hand clenched so tightly on the wheel his knuckles ached a little bit. “No, he’s been fine, he’s been opening up to the other kids more, to me, and Margaret, we even got him to agree to meet with a professional.”

“So why this?” TK asked, his voice quiet like he was asking himself. “Why now?”

“I don’t know; nothing’s changed,” Carlos replied, thinking over his interactions with Milo over the past week if he’d missed anything. He was so mad at himself for not realizing this could happen. He’d worked with kids for so long, and somehow he’d missed what was right in front of him.

More than just with Milo.

“Stop blaming yourself,” TK told him softly. “It’s not your fault.”

“How do you know? You weren’t here,” Carlos snapped, and he would probably regret it later, but his anger needed to find somewhere to go.  
“It’s not my fault either,” TK snapped back, and Carlos was almost glad for it. This was something he understood. Anger, instead of helplessness, it was something that he could cling to.

“I know,” Carlos groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. “I know. I just...I wanted to help him, and I’ve already failed,” he ignored how his voice cracked. “I keep failing.”

TK shook his head, features sharp in the light of the passage of the street lights. “I don’t think you’ve ever failed a single thing in your life, Carlos. Trust me when I say that none of this is your fault. Milo is troubled; he feels abandoned and alone, and he’s safe now for the first time he can remember. He’s terrified.”

Carlos wanted to know if he was speaking from experience, but at the same time, he didn’t have room in his head for anything more than panic at the moment. He needed to know that even if Milo was not okay, that he was _okay_. Carlos knew he wouldn’t be able to believe it until he saw him with his own two eyes.

“He reminds me of you,” he said instead and didn’t look over at TK to see his reaction; he couldn’t.

“I didn’t run,” TK’s voice was rough. “Or at least I stopped running.”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Carlos glanced at him, not surprised to see tears in TK’s eyes which probably mirrored his own. “Not the running. The bravado, the hiding,” he swallowed. “Not letting people know how you really feel.”

“We’re not doing this now,” TK replied, shaking his head. “We will talk this out, and no, I will not run. But right now, we need to focus on Milo.”

Carlos nodded his head, “You’re right. I’m sorry, we’ll talk.” He breathed in deeply and let it out; turning up the scanner when he heard a call come in, he frowned when he realized it had nothing to do with a kid.

They drove around for hours, Carlos stopping once to get gas. Milo wasn’t where the police had initially found him; he wasn’t at any of his old foster homes, the school, the park.

Carlos pulled over, his hands shaking on the wheel as he sat there and tried to keep it together.

“Carlos,” TK touched his shoulder then shifted around so he could lean in closer, forcing Carlos to look at him. “It will be okay,” he said in a firm, assertive voice.

“What if we don’t find him?” Carlos asked, and the very thought made him want to tear the world apart. He’d only known these kids for a short time, but they already made him feel so much.

“We will find him,” TK vowed just as his phone rang. “Hi Dad, seriously? He’s there?” He sputtered and looked at Carlos with a grin on his face. “He’s at the firehouse; Dad found him out back.”

Carlos had never wished more he still had sirens for his car as he put it into drive and took off from the curbside, ignoring the tears on his own cheeks. Milo was safe. Milo would be coming home.

And TK had stuck with him through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know leaving comments can be daunting. If you liked this, and enjoyed reading it, even leaving a little 💛 in the comments can make my day.


	15. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK and Carlos find Milo and they have a long-awaited talk about happiness, pressure and their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this and enjoyed it, left comments, kudos, reblogged and sent me asks about it on Tumblr. 
> 
> I'm sitting here crying because as I was writing this chapter today even I didn't realize that this would be the end of this part of TK and Carlos' journey. Please know that I mean it when I say **this part**. 
> 
> These boys still have a lot left to say, so don't worry.
> 
> **TW: Contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and ideation, child runaways, depression and anxiety. Please be kind to yourselves.**

Carlos was first up the stairs in the 126 with TK on his heels, practically close enough to trip over him. Owen was waiting there for them, and Carlos relaxed the slightest bit, seeing how calm he was.

“You must be Carlos Reyes,” he extended his hand, and they shook. “Glad to finally meet you; my team has a lot of good things to say about you, so does Milo.”

“Is he...is he okay?” Carlos asked, unable to resist the urge as he leaned into the arm TK wrapped around him, needing comfort.

“A few bruises,” Owen replied. “I put him in your bunk, TK.”

“Thanks, Dad,” TK grasped Carlos’ wrist and tugged him toward the bunk room. “Can I talk to him?” TK asked from where they stood in the doorway. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Carlos gestured, able to see Milo curled up under the blankets in TK’s bunk, even in the shadows of the room.

TK approached the bunk, hardly making a sound as he sat down on the floor next to it. “You awake, kid?” His voice, though hushed, still carried across the room to Carlos.

“Yeah,” Milo’s voice was soft and shaky, the vulnerability there making Carlos wrap his arms around himself.

“You gave us a scare,” TK commented, keeping his tone light.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Milo replied; sitting up, he clutched the blankets to himself. “It was just too much.”

Carlos could’ve moved closer, but he didn’t, feeling almost like he was intruding, but he also couldn’t bring himself to leave. He wanted to be there for both of them, whoever needed him first.

“Milo,” TK began, his voice still so gentle and slightly tremulous. “Have you hurt yourself, or do you want to hurt yourself?”

Milo made a soft noise, and Carlos breathed a sigh of relief as the teen shook his head rapidly from side to side. “No, Ty, I wouldn’t, I swear.”

“Okay,” TK rubbed Milo’s shoulder, “I believe in you,” he said warmly. “Do you want to explain what happened to us?” He included Carlos even though he’d not moved any closer. “We just want to know you’re okay.”

“It won’t last,” Milo looked so upset, and that was it; Carlos strode across the room and took a seat on the floor next to TK. “I’ve been feeling so good,” he sniffed, wiping his hands along his cheeks. “My life is good for the first time since I was six.”

TK made a noise of acknowledgement as though he understood completely. “Sometimes we’re down for so long we get used to it, and we can’t trust anything that might feel good.”

The comment alone surprised Carlos, but the understanding on Milo’s face made him feel like his heart was being wrenched from his chest.

“Yeah,” Milo choked out the words. “I don’t want to lose it,” he clenched his hands into fists around the blanket.

“I know that feeling well,” TK nodded his head, keeping his hand on Milo’s shoulder. “When I came to Texas, I was miserable, running from an almost permanent mistake, and the last thing I was looking for was home. I was so lost and had been for so long that I almost didn’t recognize happiness when I was feeling it. But now I’m going to let it go or sabotage it anymore, and I won’t let you do it either.”

“Neither will I,” Carlos spoke finally, his words rough around the lump in his throat. “Tia’s House is your home, and we’re here to help you. I will never stop fighting for you, Milo.”

Milo looked at him, the shadow in his face lessening a little bit. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Carlos jerked his head in a nod, a hand swiping at his own cheeks as he leaned in, one hand on TK’s shoulder and the other on Milo’s. “We won’t let anything happen to you; you don’t go anywhere you don’t want to go. You’re family.”

TK covered Carlos’ hand with his own, and none of them were dry-eyed as they sat there huddled together in the quiet shadows of the room.

\------

Carlos breathed a sigh of relief as he leaned against the closed door of Milo’s room at Tia’s House and resisted the urge to burst into tears. Everything lately seemed like it was verging on the edge of too much, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could handle. He let go of the doorknob and made his way to his office, not really surprised TK was there.

He walked to the couch and flopped down on it next to the other man, and tilted his head back, not caring when it thudded back against the wall as he closed his eyes.

“I’m worried about you,” TK admitted; reaching out, he touched Carlos’ knee. “I’ve been worried about you since before I knew you were you.”

Carlos swallowed, ignoring the tears that slid from beneath his closed lids and into his hair. “Yeah?”

“The shoot, good or not, you disappearing, me leaving you,” TK replied, his voice soft, almost as if he was scared to spook Carlos. He would resent it more if he weren’t so tired. “You’re giving everything to these kids, but what are you giving to yourself?”  


Carlos shook his head. “I don’t have the time,” he opened his eyes and sat up, unsure if he meant to curl in toward TK or not. He flexed his hand and felt a little better when TK took it. “Was it bad?”

TK met his gaze, level and determined. He was stubborn, Carlos knew, and now that was directed at him. “It was, Alex and I...I was grasping at straws, at happiness I didn’t know wasn’t real. I’m glad I came here. I’m glad I found you, in both ways. I didn’t know how to tell you. When I realized what happened, with your Tia, with the 126, apologies for abandoning you didn’t seem like enough all of a sudden.”

Gripping TK’s hand in his, Carlos bowed his head. “I wasn’t honest with you either; I worried too. I didn’t like him, but I thought maybe I was just jealous. God, if I’d just said something.”

“Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes,” TK replied and kissed the back of Carlos’s hand, lips dry. “We both made them, surprise, we’re both human.”

Carlos’ lips quirked up in a grin. “I’m so tired, TK,” it was hard to admit, but he felt it, a bone-deep weariness that he couldn’t seem to shake lately, and more tears slipped down his cheeks. “I don’t feel like I’m enough.”

“You’re enough,” TK insisted fiercely, cupping his cheek now and stroking. “You’re _everything_ Carlos Reyes, and I will defend you against anyone that says otherwise. But you need to take care of yourself, just like I do.”

Carlos nodded, wondering what it was about TK that opened up this lock-box inside of him, allowing everything to flow out. He wasn’t mad anymore, but he still grieved because he wasn’t sure what they could be now, with the pressure of everything, with his life in general.

“I’m not leaving again, but I need time,” TK told him, keeping him close, “You do too. We’ll take that time...”

“And after?” Carlos asked him, his throat feeling dry.

“Maybe we’ll fall in love,” TK smiled, his eyes bright with tears and joy that felt painful to look at. “Maybe happiness will stop being so scary.”

Carlos took a deep breath and nodded. He was enough. And maybe eventually, they could be enough for themselves and each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know leaving comments can be daunting. If you liked this and enjoyed reading it, even leaving a little 💛 in the comments can make my day.
> 
> \----
> 
> Carlos and TK will return in **A House Can be a Home**.


End file.
